verbal vomit

sometimes i'm beyond exhausted when i come home from work and can barely manage to do anything. tonight being one of those nights. it is also paired with zero patience/tolerance for anything. i'm not the nicest wife when those are combined...... all i want to do is lay still and not be bothered. the tiniest thing will set me off. i'm sorry mitchel for snapping and having my attitude drive you downstairs. i'm pretty sure i could fall asleep right now. however it's only 7:40 right now. the poor boys could really use some time out. since mitch is in training in slc right now and i'm working all day, i feel like the boys need more time out and about as well as time with us. sigh.

last night we got invited to go to some castle of chaos mystery something or another by joe. i totally bailed on the idea after giving it a minute thought. i had no desire to spend our halloween out on the town. instead i wanted to curl up in bed and hide from the trick or treaters. i'm definitely an old fart. i did make it up to mitch by watching a scary movie with him. {he really wanted to go with joe and alyson} grateful the movie was along the lines of zombies and it was horrifying. rather intriguing surprisingly enough.

today at work i enjoyed the quiet that immediately arrives with november. good bye october. it was fun. i probably won't start missing you until next year. i think it has to do with the thousands of children i see all through pumpkinland. it's appalling how poorly behaved kids are these days. if i ever tried to pull half the crap they do, i would have gotten a good spanking. thank you mom and dad for teaching me manners and how to be a good person. october also acts as a double dose of birth control. we are 3 years married and i'm still not ready for children. abby however is 3 months married and is so excited that she found out she was pregnant. i'll be an aunt again. abby will be an incredible mother and i'm so happy for her. this is exactly what is wants.

i've just about doubled if not tripled the amount of caffeine i need to manage my days over the last month of two. it's not good. but it keeps me going. i need to get back in to a exercise routine as well. especially since the store hours have changed to 9-5 for the winter months. my tummy would appreciate some toning up again.

we've lived in our home just over two years now and i'm finally ready to 'polish' it off. i'm craving new furniture. charming decor. curtains for my office. more pictures for our walls. a new table for the kitchen. matching bedroom dresser to our bed.

perhaps i just needed a few minutes to just vomit my thoughts out here. its therapeutic.  

taking it one day and one moment at a time lately

Today is one of those days I'm taking one moment at a time.

The boys were antsy to get up and outside.
Potty break around 6:40, crawling back into bed minutes later.
As Mitch gets up and ready for the day I remember I need to wash my work pants.
Hurried downstairs to throw them in the wash
crawled back into bed again.
and spent the next 50 mins staying cozy and flipping through my favorite blog reads, email and other apps
7:58 I hurry to throw on my yoga clothes, feed the boys and make it to the gym on time for yoga.
I'm grateful for the chance to make it to yoga in the mornings {even though I really dislike the closing shift at work}
I'm still so tight and stiff from the past few weeks of work...
it feels good to move, stretch and lengthen my body.
{I highly recommend Yoga to anyone. It has been an incredible addition to my life lately!!}
A quick trip to the grocery store for more of my favorite cereal and cans of caffeine,
unloading and loading the dishes,
putting dinner in the crock pot,
and putting food on my tummy.....
Now I'm sitting in bed enjoying the quiet until I have to head into work.

I'm in need of another spilling....

I'm exhausted

A good night's rest is not enough to get me through my days

I'm excited for Mitch's birthday next Friday because I have two days off!!

My moods are quick to change lately

my to do list is always growing 

but my body isn't quite up the the challenge lately.

Yesterday I accomplished a lot  at work.

Finally got the green house looking more presentable and tidy,

but by the time I made it home and we had come back from picking up dinner....

I was beyond my breaking point.

Dear body, please let me survive another week of work

sometimes it all comes pouring out

I don't recall the last time I sat down and really wrote down what was rolling around inside of me. I've been so busy for the past couple of months that I can't remember the last day off I had besides Sunday. It's probably been at least 2, maybe 2 and a half or even 3 months. Luckily I had been feeling really well. Because of that though I kept pushing myself.

So far this year I've been holding true to many of the goals I had set for the year. Spending less time on the internet, spending more time with the ones I love. Working on myself and my health. focusing on actually living my life to the fullest. I wonder if perhaps I may have lost a few of the things that added meaning and happiness along the way.

Since the middle of January I have been consistently going to the gym at least 3 times a week. Adding exercise into my routine wasn't easy at first but I started loving it and relying on the benefits I was receiving. May is our busiest month of the year and the past 2-3 weeks has been more demanding on my time and body. I hadn't been able to squeeze time into the gym. After 8-10 hour day my body was in need of rest. {Not that I was able to sufficiently give it the rest I needed. This week started with a long Monday, a short day on Tuesday but I spent the middle of my afternoon swimsuit shopping with my sister Abby. {Hell must have frozen over because I came home with a gorgeous new one piece. it was a pretty penny too} Once I finally made it home I quickly started on yard work. The lawn needed to be mowed, and with the forcast predicting rain I couldn't put it off much longer. Watering came next and planting a few things too. As Mitch and I crawled into bed last night he asked what my plans were for the morning since we had a dentist appointment mid morning. I told him I was going to yoga. I needed it and it's been far too long since I had been.

Between the insane wind storm that blew through the night and Cezar's restlessness, I had a lousy night's sleep.7 am my alarm goes off like it does every morning. after letting the boys out for their morning business, Cezar and I crawled back into bed to enjoy the quiet of the morning. I debated if I should fall back asleep or make it to yoga. Yoga won. It was the best decision I made today.

Perhaps with pushing so hard lately I have accidentally put myself in a funk. I need to find a perfect balance. There are days that I rush myself with trying to get everything accomplished and it doesn't leave me in a happy place. It wears me down day after day. On a rare day I find the perfect pace and am able to enjoy the moments and breath a little deeper.

Blogging is a place for me to keep record of our daily lives. It has been a wonderful outlet for me for so long and with the past few months I just haven't been feeling it quite the same. Today as I was sitting at the dentist  everything inside of me started rolling around and bubbling up.and because I haven't exactly felt the urge to spit up my thoughts lately, it caught me by surprise. I'll roll with it though. Maybe letting everything flow out is a start in the right direction.

Next weekend {the 1st} will be my first day off in who knows {march?}. It will be spent with my sweet hubby celebrating his birthday. I don't know what we'll do on Friday and Saturday but it will be wonderful because it'll be spent together {not a work}.

Hopefully I'll continue to let my inner self pour out more often.
maybe even get caught up on some good rest....

This evening when I got home I let the boys out and watered my collection of plants on the patio. I grabbed my camera and spent a bit of time playing. Oh how I loved shooting in manual mode. It felt good.

a little reminder to be grateful for the good days

{Puppy kisses Sunday evening}

{Baby silkies are the best way to calm anxiety. They melt my heart}

{My first tulip and my beautiful helleborus}

{The first of many plants to make their way home with me this year. so exciting}

Monday I felt like super woman. I started my day out with Yoga. Then breakfast with Mitch. Headed to work. Attempted to get a lot planted in the greenhouse. Really struggling with anxiety though. {stupid snakes} I stayed til close. The warm weather is bringing lots of customers in. It's a nice change from last March. Hurried home to take care of the boys, change and head to Pilates. After my workout I came home to make smoothies, do the dishes and fold the laundry. I felt super accomplished :)

Tuesday {yesterday} wasn't my best day. Woke up completely exhausted. I was unable to shake it all day. I moved out to greenhouse 8 to plant up quite a few of my trays. No need to double my work by planting in #1 and then moving them all out to #8.... I also received a huge shipment of plants. Realizing I need a helping hand to get things caught up. Struggled with anxiety the whole time I was working in #1 taking out all the new plants and then watering the greenhouse. Can I just say how tired I am of fearing snakes... It's exhausting. They cross my mind all day long and even throughout the night. I really need to find a way to conquer this fear. The stupid things are taking the joy out of my most favorite job!! I want to love my greenhouse again..... Anyways. I called it a day at 3. {I don't take a day off during the spring... just a couple hours here and there}My to do list at home has been forever growing. Even though I was completely fatigued and in a funky/sour mood I was able to check a lot off. washing our bedding. cleaning the boys rooms. doing the dishes. cleaning out the fridge. {we rarely eat left overs.... I hate cleaning out the dishes. yuck. dusting. and steam mopping the boys rooms as well as the main/kitchen floor. It felt good getting a couple things taken care of, except I was so fatigued..... Mitch and I made a quick trip to the store for a few things. He decided to make soup for dinner. I told him to have at it. It was amazing. He even talked me into making cookies to go with it. After we cleaned up the kitchen we curled up on the couch to watch some of our shows. I was so ready to crawl into bed for the night though. Once the sheets were dry I headed upstairs to make the bed and tuck myself away for the night. Mitch has learned that I'm a little OCD with making the bed and I have to remind myself that it's a sweet gesture for him to make the bed alone. We've gotten into way too many fights over how to make the bed. It's much simpler if I get to do it my way ;) I decided to unwind a little bit and browse through my blog roll and then call it a night. I was asleep by 9:30. 

After 9+ hours of sleep I'm feeling a little bit better. I forgot how run down I was just a few weeks  ago with mono and  my thyroid. I'm so grateful for all the really good days I've been having! Here's to hoping that today is a really good day :)

{a moment to complain}

*Everyone needs one. And it's just a fact of life, some days are harder than others.*

Today: I absolutely dislike contruction with a passion. They closed down the intersection next to us which means the road is twice the mess it was. Road closed signs. Confused drivers. All in all it's a horrible mess.

Bikers/cyclists {whatevers} are horribly inconsiderate!! Just because it's a race, doesn't mean you get to HOG the entire road! Single file and let cars pass. I can't believe the entitlement the bikers seemed to feel they had. It took me well over 20+ mins to make my way back around the lake to get to work. Road construction plus bikers... GRR!! I didnt have nice things to say :x

Our sprinkler system isn't working. It keeps going off everyday. Not only is that too much water for the yard, but we are only allowed to run them MWF. Fines are being passed out to anyone who violates the watering days. I really don't want to pay a $50 fine. Hopefully mitch can fix it today.

Also I went outta my way to do something special for Mitch last night. He hasn't noticed, it's something I haven't done in a very very long time and I kinda wish he'd notice. Ya know? I didn't do it for recognition, but a little would be nice.

I'm super exhausted today, perhaps that's part of why I'm easily put off and crankier. I'll be off soon enough and I plan on going home and taking a long nap. On days like this, I need to put myself into time out. I'll gladly go. Time out plus a nap... It should work wonders.

Do you ever feel the need to put yourself into time out for awhile??

{Anxiety}

Mitch and I have had a dilemma lately. We are planning a trip to Yellowstone and I am trying to include the boys and have them come with us. Mitch says Jake is more than welcome however Cezar isn't coming.

The panic and anxiety that immediately floods me at this thought is horrible. Cezar is my little baby. He's 11 months and has hardly spent any time apart from us. And the 3 nights he has, we've had family watch them. Mitch figures that we could possibly kennel him this time. um HELLO!?! Strangers watching my little one?! NO thank you! Cezar has his own quirks and he sure doesn't take to anyone or animal he doesn't know. He loves the people and animals {Jake} he does know. Trips to pet smart, the vet and other places don't go super smooth. so needless to say I can't imagine putting him up at a kennel. It wouldn't go well. at all.

Jake handles things differently. He doesn't mind meeting new people most the time. Plus he gets along with other dogs fairly well. I've even dropped him off at a dog resort for a day and it went well.

Tonight Mitch was looking through the website for Yellowstone and it turns out dogs are allowed, however they aren't allowed near any of the attractions and are not allowed to be left in cars or the campgrounds. So where does this leave us? Obviously the dogs won't be joining us on our trip... but I'm super sick thinking about putting them up in a kennel. I'd love to pay a family member instead. Sigh.

I know a lot of people don't look at dogs as family members/children. But my boys are my children. I care a lot about them. I include them in my family. Jake and Cezar are not pets, they are my babies. I don't have human babies currently, I have my sweet fur babies. And I am a momma and I really can't imagine leaving my babes with strangers, even if the kennel is nice and friendly.

Has anyone struggled with this?

Thoughts for Thursday

Looking forward to having a little more time off next week. I want to get more things checked off my forever to do list at home. Every now and then I wished I worked part time so I could get more down and be a better wife - like one who cooked for my Hubby.

The boys seem more rowdy then usual. They get in more tiffs lately and Cezar is having problems. The accident last night was my fault but still wish he'd have better bladder control and 'mommy I gotta go' signs. Mitch doesn't have nearly the patience that I have with them. Sightly frustrating.

I love all the flowers this time of year. My job is the best because I always have something pretty to look at and dream about planting. I need to finish planting the things I have at home {they've been patiently waiting for about a month. Oops}

BIGGEST pet peeve/ beef lately is neighbor dogs who have been allowed to run the neighborhood and poop ALL over my yard and the owners could Care less and leave it for me. Look people I love my dogs and most other dogs, HOWEVER I keep my dogs on my property and they are always leashed on walks and when we leave. I highly disagree with owners who let their dogs romp free. Be respectful!! And clean up after them!! Grrr!!

Fresh sun kissed raspberries? YES please!! I'll be raiding the raspberry patch at my grandpa's today. Yummy ;)